The reporters and the issues

NEW YORK-News conference: Gentlemen, ladies. The times are grave. The armaments race is out of control. Millions are unemployed. Inflation is eroding our incomes. Our sources of oil could be cut off without warning. The confidence of our people has been sapped by the bleak history of crime and corruption among our leading institutions.

In this hour of our nation's agony, I offer myself for the presidency of the United States. Out of respect for the great strength of democracy, I submit my policies, principles and programs to public examination and invite your questions. Are there any questions?

How would you feel, sir, if you learned your daughter was having an illicit affair?

Are there any other questions?

That's not responsive, sir. When we asked your wife the same question she said she would not feel outraged with your daughter but would talk it over with her in a sympathetic heart-to-heart chat. Do you agree with your wife?

Since my wife is not the secretary of state, the speaker of the House of Representatives, the prime minister of Great Britain or the Communist party chairman of either the Soviet Union or the People's Republic of China, whether I agree with her or not cannot be of the slightest public concern. Are there any questions about unemployment?

Sir, would you give us the benefit of your thinking about lust?

I am firmly persuaded that no amount of lust will make a significant impact on the present intolerable levels of unemployment.

Expanding on that answer, sir, could you tell us whether you have ever had lustful feelings for any woman except your wife?

If your question attempts to insinuate that I harbor some secret passion for Prime Minister Indira Gandhi or Queen Elizabeth or Queen Juliana or for Mrs. Golda Meir, which would influence my conduct of policy toward India, Britain, the

Russell

Baker

Netherlands or Israel, I can only say, sir, that you are panting up the wrong tree.

How would you feel if you learned your son was having a homosexual affair?

Gentlemen! Ladies! Aren't there any questions about my arms limitation policy?

In connection with your earlier stand on lust, how much of the American electorate do you think would be offended by a candidate who admitted feeling lustful sensations?

I can only point out that America. is a country whose men still dream of Marilyn Monroe for her poignantperformance as Lady Macbeth, whose women have historically preferred such film stars as Gabby Hayes and Franklin Pangborn over Rudolph Valentino, Clark Gable, Marlon Brando, Paul Newman and Robert Redford.

Are you some kind of nut?

I am merely trying to adapt to the role of imbecile, which your questions indicate you expect presidential candidates to play. Now, if I may revert to the issue of inflation

Before we get into that, sir, how would you feel if you learned your son had been aborted with Medicaid funds?

I am glad you raise the question of health care. Few issues in this campaign are more important than

On a question going to the issue of presidential character, sir, would you be offended if your grandmother referred publicly to sexual intercourse in slang terms of the sort that have never been printed în, say, the New York Times?

No group of Americans has more difficult and heartbreaking problems than our old people.

How would you feel if your wife told you she was going to have a sex-change operation?

The presidency of the United States is a noble office. Let

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How would you feel if the vice president caught you picking your nose in the office?

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, and good night, poor voters.

• New York Times